Being Triggered as a Dad is Completely Normal

Having a hard time controlling emotions as a new parent is something I see all of the time in my therapy practice. Whether its getting frustrated and snapping at your partner or children, or feeling disappointed and disconnected from your family, this is a problem many men face. 

A lot of men in Guelph and Ontario come to men's therapy with Kickstart to try to get a better handle on these emotions but are surprised when I say that the goal of therapy isnt to stop feeling your emotions but how to get BETTER at feeling them. 

The fact of the matter is, we don’t have any great tools, besides numbing ourselves or distracting ourselves to make difficult emotions go away. We do however have ways to make sure they dont stick around longer than they need to or get worse. 

The next time you are feeling like some unwanted emotions are getting the best of you try this. 

See if you can pause for a minute and just notice what you are experiencing. How does it feel in your body, what sensations are you noticing? Are there some thoughts that accompany the difficult emotion?  Just see if you can notice what is happening inside of you. 

Next try to name these things by saying to yourself, “here’s anger, or here’s frustration” You might say “ I’m noticing the thought that I am pissed off” 

What these two tasks do - first noticing the experience, then naming them is that it creates a bit of separation from yourself as event itself and pivots to you as the observer of the experience. 

Why this helps is that when we have a bit more awareness of our thoughts, feelings and emotions then they tend to not have as tight a grip on us. 

Here is a simple way to look at this. Lets pick a difficult thought many people might experience such as “I am a loser” 

“I am a loser” when written seems to be a fact doesn’t it? Doesn’t it also seem to suggest it is all that you are? 

Next let’s create some separation by saying “im having the thought that I am a loser” 

This is a bit better, just try to say this and compare it to the first statement, Its a bit ‘lighter’ a bit less defining.

Now lets try “I am noticing that I’m having the thought that I am a loser” 

While this seems like a lot, by the time we are able to separate to this degree, the initial statement “I am a loser” barely has any weight any more. 

Now Here is the final step and why I mention that losing your mind sometimes as a parent is normal .

The final step in this three part strategy to regulate your emotions and have more control over your triggers is to normalize the experience.

This can sound like. “I am having a hard time right now with my sons whining and noticing I am angry. This is normal and something that happens to a lot of parents”

Normalizing our experiences is a big part of self-compassion, it helps us know that we are part of a bigger collective and our difficult time is not unique only to us. This can help to help you notice those initial difficult experiences and not have them morph into shame or guilt.